It’s Time to Put the Sledgehammer Down When Parenting Kids with Concerning Behaviours
Parenting a child with challenging or concerning behaviours can feel like you're constantly navigating a minefield. Many of us instinctively reach for what feels like the most straightforward tool in our parenting toolkit—the proverbial sledgehammer. Whether it's punishment, reward charts, or strict consequences, these methods can feel satisfying in the moment, but are they really solving the underlying issues? It's Time to Put the Sledgehammer Down When Parenting Kids with Concerning Behaviours and use a more effective tools that foster collaboration and understanding.
Why the Sledgehammer Approach Doesn’t Work Long-Term
The sledgehammer, or Plan A as it’s referred to in the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model, involves solving a problem unilaterally—in other words, the parent makes the decision and imposes it on the child. It might sound like, "I’ve decided that you will do this because I said so," or, "If you don’t comply, here’s the consequence." While this approach might lead to compliance in the short term, it does little to resolve the underlying reasons why your child is struggling to meet certain expectations.
Parents often use Plan A when they feel the behavior has to be "fixed" immediately. For example, your child refuses to brush their teeth before bed, and you think buying them a flashy toothbrush will solve the problem. While it may work for a few nights, the root of the issue—whether it’s sensory discomfort, fear of bedtime, or something else—remains unresolved.
So what happens? The challenging behaviour persists, and often escalates. Your child might start resisting more, leading to meltdowns, aggression, or withdrawal. And soon, you’re caught in a frustrating cycle of trying to impose your solution, only to face more resistance from your child.
What’s the Alternative? Collaboration.
The CPS model offers an alternative to the sledgehammer approach: Plan B. This plan is about solving problems collaboratively with your child. Rather than imposing your solution on them, you work together to figure out what’s really going on and find a solution that works for both of you.
For example, let’s revisit the toothbrushing problem. Instead of saying, “You will brush your teeth or you’re grounded,” Plan B begins with empathy. You start by saying something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been having trouble brushing your teeth before bed. What’s up?” You then listen to your child’s concerns, whether it’s about the toothpaste taste, the feel of the toothbrush, or anxiety about going to bed.
From there, you share your own concerns: “I’m worried about your teeth getting cavities if they aren’t brushed.” The final step is to invite your child to collaborate on a solution: “I wonder if there’s a way we can make toothbrushing more comfortable for you and still keep your teeth healthy.”
The difference between Plan A and Plan B? Collaboration. Plan B helps your child feel heard, understood, and involved in solving their own problems. It also fosters skills like empathy, problem-solving, and communication—essential for long-term growth.
Plan C: A Tool for Prioritising Problems
Another option within the CPS model is Plan C, where you proactively decide to set aside certain problems temporarily. This doesn’t mean giving up or letting your child "win." It’s about acknowledging that some issues don’t need to be tackled right now and focusing on the most pressing problems first.
For example, if your child struggles with both brushing their teeth and doing homework, you might prioritise solving the homework issue first, while temporarily letting go of the nightly toothbrushing battle. You can circle back to that later when there’s more bandwidth to address it. The key here is proactive planning, rather than reacting in the heat of the moment.
The Benefits of Putting Down the Sledgehammer
When you switch from a reactive, authoritarian approach to a collaborative one, you’ll notice several important shifts:
Less Resistance: Your child feels heard and is more likely to participate in problem-solving when their perspective is considered.
Fewer Meltdowns: By addressing the root causes of challenging behaviors, you can prevent meltdowns rather than trying to manage them after they’ve already started.
Stronger Relationships: Collaboration fosters a deeper connection between you and your child. They trust that you’re working with them, not against them.
Better Long-Term Outcomes: Skills like empathy, flexibility, and communication develop over time, reducing the need for conflict.
How to Start Putting the Sledgehammer Down
Ready to try a new approach? Here are a few simple steps to get started:
Identify Unsolved Problems: Begin by identifying areas where your child is struggling to meet expectations. Be specific and avoid focusing on behavior (e.g., instead of “My child refuses to brush their teeth,” think “My child is having difficulty brushing their teeth before bed”).
Engage in Empathy: Approach your child with curiosity. Use phrases like “I’ve noticed…” to open up a conversation about the unsolved problem.
Collaborate on Solutions: Once you understand their concerns, share your own and invite your child to work with you on finding a solution that works for both of you.
Pick Your Battles: Use Plan C to temporarily set aside issues that aren’t urgent, allowing you to focus on solving one problem at a time.
Conclusion: A More Effective Path Forward
The sledgehammer approach might feel powerful, but it’s rarely effective in the long run. By putting it down and embracing collaboration, you’re not only addressing your child’s behavior—you’re also teaching them the life skills they need to handle challenges independently. So next time you’re faced with a tough behaviour, remember: it’s time to put the sledgehammer down and pick up the tools of empathy, collaboration, and understanding.
Comments